So these past thirty years have made me into the woman I am today and I am not sure if I like it. Don't get me wrong, I am truly blessed with where I am and all the Lord has given me, but there has to be a better way to live. I wake every morning and honestly do that I have to be to get back into bed at night with as little damage done as possible. I feel that I am living for the Lord and for my family but am I really? How do I know without Him coming down and tell me that I am doing a good job.
I try my best at whatever I do and I don't feel like I am getting anywhere in life. I feel as I am out in the ocean and I am treading, and even though I'm not exhausted yet, I still feel like I am no closer to being rescued than when I first fell off the boat. And when did I fall off the boat? Haha I am not even sure I even had a boat. So do I keep swimming until I find land or do I grow gills after a while and turn into a fish and make my surroundings my new home.
Writing brings me joy as I can write down what I am thinking and yet when I think about my future and my career path, I am stumped. As stumped as I was freshman year when I was first asked about careers, hell I feel as lost and when I was six and was asked for the first time what I wanted to be when I grow up. I have been out of high school for 12 years and still don't know what to do with the rest of my life. Everyone my age has college and are starting their families. I am complete with creating my family and now I need to get real and he to getting my shit together.
I am super excited to spread the knowledge of the essential oils from Young Living! I am also having a blast teaching at Luling School. but are they really for me? Is that the path the Lord wants me to do? Are they just learning points? Are they steps go what is to come?
I am blessed to have an amazing husband, who is far from perfect, but for some strange reason, wants to spend his life with me. As many times as I try to help him with this he battles, he never once trys to tell me my faults or change me for the better (or worst). I am unsure, even after six years next to him, why he comes how to us every night and as much as I tried not to try and figure him out, he is like my science experiment. I pick at him and dissect him to try and figure out how we could possibly work, and he just sits back and laughs. "Don't try to fix what ain't broken."
As all these thoughts swirl in my head in a random and exciting way. I will lay my head down on my pillow tonight and fall asleep the same way I always do in will wake in the mornin ( God willing) and I will do it all over again. And I will be just as lost as I am right now on what piece goes next or what path or step to take, but the best part is, God knows. He has my back and my front so I am not scared or afraid. It will all be OK!
